Spare Hours of Dog Days
by procyonlotor
Summary: The Akatsuki is a strange place, full of strange people. Naturally, they have strange conversations. DRABBLE: you'll finish it before you have time to lose interest.
1. Chapter 1

**It rained all day today. My dog hates the rain, too. **

It was raining. Nobody in the Akatsuki liked the rain.

Except for Zetsu, that is. He loved the rain. Well, as much as an abomination of the natural world could love something. Which really isn't very much.

Either way, it felt good to sit outside in the pouring rain.

So Zetsu did just that.

Stark naked.

"He's so goddamn fuckin' _weird_," Hidan growled. Or, he meant to growl. It came out more like a cross between a snarl and the noise an angry cougar makes.

"And you aren't?" Itachi commented dryly from the couch, inspecting his hand. Hidan shot him a particularly nasty glare, which had zero effect. "It's fucking _rude_ to interrupt people, you blind cunt," He spat.

Kakazu snorted from the other room. "_You're_ one to talk."

"HEY, GO FUCK YOURSELF, GRANDPA!" Hidan yelled back. Muttering obscenities, he turned his attention back to his cards, all of which made for terrible plays. "Fucker," he growled more bitterly.

Without a sound, Sasori appeared standing in the doorway of the make-shift living room. He had a grimace etched on his smooth face. "_Why_ is Zetsu sitting naked in front of _my_ window?" He asked in a disconcertingly collected tone. Normally he wouldn't have even made a displeased face, but the rain made his wooden joints ache, and that made him cranky. Yes, cranky for Sasori was a displeased face.

Hidan tossed him a sidelong glance, continuing to grumble to himself. "Hell if I know. Hell if anybody knows what that fucker's thinking." Itachi remained in the exact same position he'd been in for the past half an hour.

Kakazu's gravelly voice drifted in. "Why don't you ask him?" He emerged from his room and leaned against the entry. Sticking a cigarette between his lips, he flicked open a lighter and lit the tip.

"Yeah, like I'm gonna go out there if the fuckin' rain and ask that bipolar flytrap what the hell he's up to." Hidan scoffed loudly, watching Itachi intensely. He was going to beat this Uchiha bitch at poker, and if he couldn't do it with skill, he'd do it with cheating.

Sasori sighed when Kakazu looked at him. "I won't rot just to find out what his motives are. If he even has any." With that he was gone, off to hang a sheet over the window that offered a less-than-modest front row seat to views of Zetsu that Sasori did not appreciate.

Kakazu took a drag from his cigarette. He didn't bother to even look at Itachi, and he sure as hell wasn't going to do it himself.

It was quiet for a while. Until:

"Don't cheat."

"GOD DAMMIT!"

So, Zetsu continued to sit happily outside, naked, until the rain finally stopped.

It rained for three days straight.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sasori, do you have a cock, yeah?"

Sasori peered up at Deidara through red strands, pausing momentarily from the joint he was wiring. It was a delicate job, one that he didn't want to do with his partner around. Especially when he was making vaguely homosexual inquiries.

"No." He went back to his work.

"So you can't, like, fuck a chick, yeah?"

"I could, if I wanted to." He touched two copper ends together and one of the arm's fingers twitched faintly, almost imperceptibly. But Sasori saw it.

"How? "

Sasori glanced up briefly. "Guess."

The next few minutes were spent in thoughtful silence.

Suddenly, Deidara smacked his knee in revelation, breaking the peace. "I got it! Detachable dildo, yeah!" He folded his arms over his chest in triumph, grinning. "Well, yeah?"

Sasori didn't so much as blink. "Wrong."

Deidara scowled, covering his chin with his hand. He sat cross-legged on one of the many workbenches in Sasori's room…lair, to be correct, watching the redheaded puppet maneuver the intricate wires and gears and pulleys hidden within the wooden arm lying across the table.

"Puppet gangbang, yeah?"

"No."

"Chakra, yeah?"

"No."

"…Interchangeable bodies, yeah?"

"Wrong again."

Deidara narrowed his eyes, huffing in a very six-year-old manner. "Well then how the hell do you do it, yeah? And hands don't count! Neither does tongue, yeah!"

Sasori straightened from his position hunched over the bench, paying no attention to Deidara as he swapped the now completed arm for another. "If hands and tongues don't count, then you're still a virgin." He remarked blandly.

Seafoam eyes narrowed further, becoming irritated slits. "Ahh, the hell do you know, yeah." He grumbled.

Sasori tweaked the inner workings of the new arm, pulling out a defective wire. All was quiet.

"So how do you _really_ do it, yeah?"

Leaning back casually in his chair, Sasori intertwined his fingers in his lap and let his dead eyes bore into Deidara. A steady, sinister smile slowly spread across his face; it was enough to give the most pedophilic of clowns a chill.

"Perhaps I'll demonstrate for you some time."

All trace of color drained from Deidara's face. He opened his mouth as though to say something, but nothing came out. He remained that way until dinner.

Sasori sighed contentedly behind his cloak. If he couldn't have solitude, he could at least have silence.


End file.
